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Subject: les Contes d'Alberte(very long)
From: roy wood <[log in to unmask]>
Reply-To:roy wood <[log in to unmask]>
Date:Sun, 25 Oct 1998 18:23:09 PST

text/plain (173 lines)

[Well, it seems so NO one is anyone on Opera-L unless they've been
flamed by Emma et. al., so here it goes....]

In the grand tradition of I ALBANI E I JORDENI
comes LES CONTES D'ALBERTE, a tale of a man's eternal quest for the
elusive, perfectpseudonym....

ACT I (Prologue): Manhattan, 1998

SCENE 1: A muse appears to tell the
audience that she is here to protect her poet, Alberte, who neglects his
Art by spending
too much time on internet listservs. Besides battling Alberte's net
addiction, the Muse has
to deal with an opera singer named Aprile: she saps Albert's creative
energy b/c he spends
all his time criticizing her work rather than creating works of his own.
The Muse takes the
form of .....well, she can't take the form of Alberte's friend &
companion, Nickolas, or any
other friends for that matter b/c Albert has alienated them all with
comments. SO, the Muse decides to take the form of Maria Callas herself.
Alberte will listen to la Divina's advice. The Muse/Callas goes in
search of Alberte.

SCENE 2: STANDING ROOM, BALCONY, THE MET: It's Aprile's last performance
of a run of
Toscas at the Met. Drowning himself in champagne during the first
intermission, Alberte
returns to his standing room spot just a tad tipsy. To his suprise, who
has moved down
from Family Circle to stand next to him but his arch-rival Jacques & his
side-kick Giasone,
both Aprile partisans. They exchange insults & Alberte gets kicked out
of the Met.

SCENE 3: ALBERTE'S MANHATTAN APT.: Alberte stumbles home to his garrett
Lincoln Center to post a diatribe against Jacques, Giasone, Aprile, and
the Met
management (for throwing him out)on the internet. In his drunken stupor,
he manages to
sit in front of his computer monitor and log on to the internet. But
when faced with the
choice of a log-in name, he passes out.....[to understand the profundity
of the next 3 acts,
one should be aware that the singer who portrays Alberte also sings the
roles of Polly,
Elizabeth Ann, and Emma]

ACT 2 POLLY: Manhattan, 20 years ago, Studio 54:

Spamazani is
a mad inventor, who plans to astound the world with his latest
invention. He has created a
perfect automaton, a realistic doll he will take to Studio 54 this
evening. He's created Polly
the perfect disco queen: a doll that can dance all evening!!! But
Spamazoni still owes the
evil Jordenius money for Polly's wedgies and dreads that he might show
up and spoil the
party. At the disco, Polly's a big hit with everyone, even Halston
admires Polly's red
wedgies. However, "dum dum de dum", the evil Jordenius is waiting in the
crowd to take
his revenge. Unfortunately, Polly isn't a perfect creation and she
dances faster & faster
until she is out of control and ends up off the dance floor. There,
Jordenius is waiting &
smashes the doll to bits. Spamazani tries to kill Jordenius but the
glamorous people at the
disco all laugh at Spamazani when they discover that Polly was only a

ACT III: ELIZABETH ANN: Saturday afternoon, Metropolitan Opera Quiz:

The ultra-glamorous socialite Elizabeth Ann is one of the panelists on
the Metropolitan Opera
Quiz. It's a plum based on her appearances as a regular panelist on the
Opera Quiz.
However, there's new management at the Met in the form of the dastardly
Jordentutto...and he's got an agenda. Jordentutto makes a proposal to
Elizabeth Ann: to keep
this "jewel" of an job, Elizabeth Ann must get Father Owen Lee's
reflection. Instead of filing a
lawsuit, Sarah Ann agreesto the plan. Elizabeth Ann asks Father Lee to
meet her at an elegant
restaurant across from Lincoln Center after the Quiz for some spiritual
counseling. While
having dinner, Elizabeth Ann pulls out her Gucci mirrored-compact case
and captures the
poor Reverend's reflection. What Elizbeth Ann doesn't realize, however,
is that their waiter is
none other than the evil Jordentutto in disguise. In the course of the
meal, he has poisoned
poor Elizabeth Ann's Merlot. Elizabeth Ann gasps for breath as
Jordentutto grabs her compact
containing Father Lee's reflection and rushes out of the restaurant.
Elizabeth Ann falls dead
into her plate of pasta leaving Father Lee reflectionless but still able
to perform last

ACT IV EMMA: a lovely French country house.

Emma is the great great
grand-daughter of one of the great ladies of the opera stage, Emma
Albani. However,
she's also the daughter of a 2nd rate Met house soprano who died of a
fatal illness.
Emma's not aware that she has inherited this mysterious yet fatal
disease.  The soprano
entrusted her daughter to the care of Met diva, Regine Crespin, who has
tried to save
Emma's life by isolating her from excitement & exertion: la Crespin has
forbidden Emma
to ever sing! One day, while Emma is at home alone, there is a knock at
the door. Emma,
who has been warned about opening the door to strangers, opens the door
[headstrong girl]. It's Dr. James Mackerel from NYC looking, he says,
for la Crespin so
that she may sign his copy of ROSENKAVALIER. Emma invites Dr. Mackerel
to sit in
the parlour & wait for la Crespin to return. In speaking of the wonders
of NYC opera life,
Mackerel inflames Emma's dreams of fame & the opera stage. At first she
resists, but
Mackerel plays the Final Trio from ROSENKAVALIER on the CD player. In a
trio with Mackerel and her dead mother, Emma sings a high C & then
"swoons". Dr.
Mackerel vanishes. La Crespin returns home to find Emma unconscious on
the floor & she
calls for a doctor. Dr. Mackerel reappears and pronounces Emma dead.

ACT V APRILE:Alberte's apt again

Alberte awakens from his dreams to find that his monitor has switched
over to his Zinka Milanov screen saver. From his apt., he can hear the
cheers for Aprile's
Tosca rising above the NYC street noise. In a drunken rage, he goes back
to the Met &
sneaks backstage where Aprile is being feted by her many admirers,
including Jacques &
Giasone. Alberte insults everyone present and says that divas like
Aprile are pale
imitations of the great singers of a by-gone era. Aprile hurls her own
contempt back at
him, saying he will not insult her fans & and saying that the only
reason he's so concerned
about the past  is because he's living in it! They all chase Alberte
from the opera house.
Outside in the cold, Alberte collapses. When he opens his eyes, his
Muse, in the form of
Maria Callas, is standing in front of him. The Muse tells Alberte that
his passion must be
directed to his Art instead of to the internet and/or criticizing
others. The apparition of
Callas being the only voice he would listen to, Alberte goes home to
write a Pulitzer Prize

Roy Wood
[with the help of the Alagna HOFFMANN booklet]

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